Mothering

The verb "mother" means to give origin or rise to; assume as one's own; or to care for or protect like a mother; to act maternally toward.
I guess I've been giving a few thoughts to mothers and celebrating Mothers' Day. I read these articles last week. Pat Your Back & Toot Your Horn by Emily Watts. The Nevers I Never Knew I'd Love by Brooke Stone. Appreciating Light by Becky which was partially inspired by Kara Sherman's Mother's Day 2013 post. Don't Call Me Mommy--Unless I Birthed You by C Jane Kendrick. A friend of mine who has not been able to have children of her own shared this article as she declared she'd be taking a break from facebook during the week that often focuses on mothers. An open letter to pastors {A non-mom posts about Mother's Day} by Amy.
These are all good thoughts on being a woman and how we evaluate ourselves and others. I haven't taken the time to think about all the things I'm good at or the blessings I have given myself or my family. For some reason, it's easier to think about all the things I need to improve or the challenges I have in my life or or or.
A few days ago, the high school band had their end of the year concert with a dinner beforehand. I ultimately decided to go to the dinner with the boys because Oliver said he'd like us to be there and I needed to get out of the house. We got there and Evan was immediately put in his stroller. I walked him around a little bit while Oliver and Ryan stood in the food line. Then I decided to see how he'd do out of the stroller. He immediately began running everywhere. I was okay with it to begin with then he ran from one side of the room to the other to get to the vending machines on either side. Unfortunately, that straight line was also where the tables with food were. So I ended his running and put him back in the stroller and headed to an empty corner of the room. Oliver brought us some cake. We sat content for a while and then  it was time for the band members to get things ready for the concert. I decided to go on a brief little walk, but before I could, Evan suddenly was unhappy and started screaming and pushing the stroller backwards. Oliver said something along the lines of, "I'm sorry." My response: "Well, this is our life." Oliver: "Yes, but it can be so hard." Yes, it can be so hard.

I thought of that statement again on Sunday. During sacrament meeting, Evan hit his "I'm done being here" point and so I took him out of the chapel to the foyer. I tried to sit with him on the couch in the foyer and while I did that, the primary got up to sing two songs for Mother's Day.  I thought how sad it was that I didn't get to watch Ryan singing. And to throw more pity on myself, I began the awful thought process of thinking what it would be like to have Evan up there singing to me and able to sit through sacrament meeting and go to primary. It was a mistake, and I quickly stopped that thought line and let Evan go. He began running laps through the hallway which is a nice oval. To sum up, it can be so hard. I do not do everything I can for my sons. I am still very selfish in life and do not always put my children first (a comment made by the son of Sister Eyring, the wife of President Henry B. Eyring who is a member of the First Presidency of the Church, that she always put the children first). I don't know what to do in a lot of cases.
I have found myself yelling at Ryan a lot. Telling him no is always entertaining as I can be met with "Mom, I don't love you anymore because I don't like being told no," or "Mom, you make me sad." Although, part of me is grateful that he is learning to voice his thoughts and talk about it, the other part of me hates to have my 4 year old say such things. I know that I have a lot to learn about helping my sons grow and learn, but it can be so hard.

As you can see, negatively evaluating yourself or your life is easy. In fact, in those negative moments, it is extremely challenging to think of something I do well. On Saturday, we went on a drive to a canyon we hadn't been able to visit during the wet winter. Oliver stopped at one beautiful spot to photograph and collect a few flowers. This isn't a quick thing, so I tried to get Evan out. Ryan was out helping Dad, but the bugs were out too. Evan seems to be very sweet because the bugs love him. I tried to spray everyone, but Evan just didn't want to be out exploring. Unfortunately, on our nature trips, he is usually unwilling to go on a hike or whatever. I finally got him out of the hot van and made him, unhappily, walk up the road a ways. He was so angry with me and wanted to go back to the van, but because he doesn't like to walk on unstable ground, he wouldn't go by himself. I finally sat down in the grass on the side of the road and got him to sit in my lap. He calmed down. He played with the grass, pulled leaves off a few plants, threw a few rocks. He wasn't the most content, but at least he wasn't screaming. I was grateful in that moment for the peace I felt. The changing rolling clouds above, the green grass and bushes. The glimpse of Ryan and Oliver down the hill. The view of the Great Salt Lake, Grantsville, and the mountains. I hope Evan felt some of that peace as well. he needs more quiet moments like that and less with the sound of the TV.

I am grateful for the women who shared their thoughts in these articles. I'm grateful for the women who shared their thoughts during church yesterday. I'm grateful for the women I've gotten to know over the last few months who have supported and cared for my family. I'm grateful for the friends I have who are far from me and who I haven't spoken to in years for they have all mothered me in different ways. I'm grateful for my sisters, sisters-in-law and mother-in-law whom I know love me even though I may not get to be with them as much as I'd like. I'm grateful for my beautiful mother who loves people, loves to serve, loves the earth and loves me. I'm grateful for my sons who I get to mother every day even if I don't do the best job. I'm grateful for my handsome husband who supports me, cares for me and with whom I get to discover parenting.
I'm grateful that the Lord has given us the chance to mother each other as we build relationships. As the definition from dictionary.com at the beginning of this post says, to mother is to care for or protect like a mother. While adding on that "like a mother" still allows for a lot of different interpretations, the caring and protecting that is done in this world is a beautiful thing. And if I can try my best to do that for those in my life, then that's one thing I want to do well.