College Graduate

I can't express how proud I am of Oliver. I know this isn't the end by any means, but it is definitely a stepping stone that I'm grateful he has achieved. It means that he made a decision about  what he wanted to do, finished the classes and training to get there and will receive a degree to help him continue working in that field. It was a great time to share and experience. During commencement, we couldn't find him in the crowd, and soon gave up until they all got up and left the seating at the end. We were able to hear from the president of Utah Valley University, Matthew Holland, as well as the student body president and then from Erin Gruwell. Erin Gruwell is actually a teacher. How often do teachers get famous? Erin Gruwell is the teacher behind the Freedom Writers movie and the one who created the Freedom Writers Foundation. She gave a great speech, then was honored with an honorary doctorate along with 3 others more locally renowned.

 The next day, we were able to wander through the new "building" which I'd prefer to call "wing" for the science department. We were finally lucky to find Oliver in the crowd during convocation.

Then during the convocation, Beth, Grandma and I took turns pushing Evan in the stroller and Ryan had some fun while a few people spoke and then a lot of names were read.

 

The whole time, Ryan could never find Oliver or when he did, Oliver never acknowledged Ryan and he became kind of cranky.

But they called his name and he got some cheers from our small cheering section and then we went to get some pictures around a few spots on campus to honor his accomplishments.

Most realistic picture I've ever seen.

Love Ryan's face as I'm trying to keep Evan from running to the fountain behind us.

A decent enough picture-we're at least all smiling...kind of.

 

Telling Ryan to go tickle Grandpa so that we could get the next photo.

It was great to see him run into a few professors and hear "we love this guy." I'm glad that he truly made the most of his college experience (or collegiate experience) and interacted with his professors and took advantage of opportunities to connect with others and learn. I'm sad that we didn't get to interact with any of his education professors whom he really looked up to as well, but I am extremely grateful for his love of learning and how he has achieved this step which will lead to more. Congratulations Oliver.

Scars

I have to admit being nervous and anxious and definitely allowing some fear rule my world right now.
I can literally see the highs and lows of life recently, but I don't know where it goes next. I feel as if I don't know my son anymore. There was the giant spike upward a month ago when we were able to see the seizures stop. His body accepted the medication and we didn't see a seizure again. Oliver came to a conclusion that he'd likely been waking up in the middle of the night because of seizures. He'd realized this after Evan was on the medication for a while and we'd gotten over the irregularity of his tired body from the seizure episodes and now he's sleeping through the night. It's amazing.
After a week of the medication, we met with a physician's assistant who told us that the negative side effect associated with his medication was aggression. Like 180' turn in personality type of aggression. She said that if he were going to experience this side effect then it would show within the first few doses.
I don't know at what point it reared its ugly head, but yesterday was a breaking point for me. He'd been attacking me and biting me regularly for a few weeks, but yesterday I just wanted to comfort him. I wanted to hold my son and get a hug from him. I wanted him to pull my hair because he was excited to see me, not because of lingering anger inside. Yesterday, he cried and I held him and he bit me. He'd given me bruises before, broken a top layer of skin before. But yesterday I just wanted to be his mom and love him. And he made me bleed.
Now, its hard for me to see my angel. He has his moments of smiles and laughter, but I feel that every time he sees me or I make eye contact, he doesn't come towards me to give a big hug, but he comes with teeth bared ready to strike. And it breaks my heart.
I'll be looking into different options for him, but at the moment, its hard for me to be happy about the stopped seizures and the increased sleep. It's hard to know if the benefits are out weighing the negative side effects. I want my loving son back.

In Love

Recently, I had someone share with me current/leftover feelings from a certain year in my marriage that was several years ago. It wasn't that I'd forgotten that time in our life, but I've been living each day. We've been improving each day.
When we got married, we were sealed and given the promise that if we obey the commandments given to us, that we can be together beyond this life and into the eternities. that important step that we both went into whole heartedly has made a difference in where we are now.
Shortly after our marriage, I remember discussing the topic of cleaving unto your spouse and what that means. Then I had an experience where I learned how important it is to discuss problems with your spouse and not with someone outside of the marriage. No matter what others say about us, there are only the two of us on this earth who can truly understand what our relationship is, where it is going and how.
I am devoted to my husband. I made the decision to be one with my husband. While I'm grateful for the families from which we've come, what is most important is Oliver, our relationship and this family we've created. The challenges that we've gone through and overcome and deal with daily alongside the joys and blessings are what makes my life. My relationships with my three boys is what makes up the little parts of my life. We are not perfect, but we are both dedicated to each other. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful companion for this world and the world to come.

Eight years. We've been married for eight years. We've been dating for nine and a half.
I may not get as excited on a daily basis as I did eight years ago, but I definitely feel not only how much I love Oliver, but how much I am in love with him. We balance each other and we support each other.
Happy Anniversary sweetheart.

A Work Day Worth Documenting

To start off, we don't know what we are doing next fall yet. With that in mind, its possible that yesterday was my last busy Tuesday work day for a winter semester at BYU. And it sure was a good one.
The staff meeting with my fellow hall advisors and manager was typical, except for the part where we made tamales together. We then attended RA class where the RAs presented their final projects which were all creative and entertaining.
Shortly after, we gathered together for a dinner for the student staff and our families. A former HA was able to come as well and it was wonderful to see her and her children playing with all of the other children. The dinner was a very relaxing time to sit and talk with my coworkers about things not related to work. (Its hard for me to have those conversations without reverting to work somehow).
After the dinner was finally over, my associate Kim and I needed to meet with our group of RAs one last time. We covered some administrative things quickly and then were blessed to hear a beautiful presentation from one of the RAs. She wrote us a song and played and sang it for us. It brought tears to my eyes, especially as I considered the fact that I wouldn't be working with this same group again, nor with my beautiful associate again. Before we ended our meeting, we then sang 6 or 7 hymns together. It was beautiful and emotional and spiritually uplifting. I can't thank them enough for what they've taught me this year.
It was a great day. Not only that, but then at 10pm, Oliver and I went out to a movie. Its been a long time since we've been to a movie that late at night and are grateful for mysister who came and put the boys to bed for us so we could be gone.

Giving, Ever Giving, Endlessly

Title from His Hands by Kenneth Cope

Our Easter celebrations included sharing some fun with others. It included reading Three Days Without Light: A Nephite Easter Story by Timothy Robinson. It included a package from Oliver's brother and sister-in-law. It included eggs & candy.

It included ham. It included discussions about Jesus dying and being resurrected and for some reason a concern about what a tomb is. It included beautiful messages from stake conference. It included watching videos on you tube about the Savior, his life, and his resurrection which led to tears and trembling when the hammer was brought down representing Christ's hands being nailed to the cross. It included reading scriptures and singing a few songs. It included beautiful weather where we could be outside and enjoy springtime.

It included cheesy Easterish cookies that don't taste too bad.

It included our family being together and sharing moments of learning and loving.

I am thankful for the opportunity to honor and celebrate Jesus Christ and to try and grasp the concept of what He did for us so many years ago. That He did it for me and Oliver and Evan and Ryan individually. That He loves us individually.

Mini Family Reunion

This past weekend we were able to travel to southern Utah with my sister to meet our little brother and sister-in-law who were driving north from southern California. It was short, but it was great.

"Someone take my picture"

We decided to go to Zion's National Park and go for a hike. We did some research beforehand to figure out which hike would be best with two little boys and with a shortened time frame to begin with.

We decided on the Lower Emerald Pool Trail. One point 2 mile round trip-about an hour long, paved trail. Not too steep. Awesome. And it was. It was windy and a little cold, but the sun was there too so it was really nice.

Ryan enjoyed finding little diversions along the path.

Evan was constantly holding someone's hand. Mainly to keep him from walking off the edge of the steep edge on the trail into the river below.

Ryan took a ride on Mitchell's shoulders when he wasn't staying on the path.

Once at the pool, the trail continues around underneath a little waterfall from the upper pools. Again, Evan wanted to skip the trail and get in the water.

As Oliver & I took the boys back down the path, Natalie, Mitch, & Olivia kept on going to the upper pool and got to see this awesome view.

We were very blessed to have the chance to see Mitchell & Olivia. Mitchell may soon be leaving overseas again and we were very happy to give him a big hug one more time.
We did have a decision to make at the beginning of the week though. Do we make the trip or do we stay and listen to the Annual General Conference for the church. After thinking about it, we decided that it was a sacrifice we needed to make. We are very blessed to live in Utah where we could listen on the radio during our drives as well as having the different sessions available online at lds.org. I'll be spending time listening to the messages again as well as the ones that we missed.
I'm so thankful for my family, even if I only get to see a small handful at a time.