Strength

One of my goals this year was to be better about reading my scriptures. In the past, I've read at night before bed and it was usually a half hearted thing. I think the last time I really read the scriptures for its full purpose was in high school. Starting in January, I began reading a chapter or so a day while I ate breakfast. It has been amazing! I love that its part of my routine now and that Ryan can see me reading even if he doesn't have the patience yet to read with me. I love how I want to keep reading and how I'm making connections between stories. I think I'm most amazed by the revelation I've received from these chapters. This time around I've been struck by the fact that many of the stories talk about strength and how those who are righteous and have faith in God are blessed with strength to overcome their enemies and protect their families. Those who do not have faith and are trying to have a different purpose for their actions are not blessed nor protected. My first connection with this thought process was with Ammon and how he protects the king's sheep in Alma Chapter 17. If Ammon had boasted in his own strength or began to believe that he conquered those thieves by his own ability alone, he would never have been able to do it, or would fail if he attempted to do it again. I've read and reread this same concept throughout the chapters on the wars with Moroni and Helaman and many others.
Here's the revelatory part. As I read the concept the first time, I compared it to giving birth to my two sons. My pregnancies were relatively easy and smooth and delivery was fairly uncomplicated. I was able to deliver both with no pain medicine and a relatively short recovery time for all involved. I've been thinking that another child would bless our family and while I hope that is so, I have been struck by the fact that I'm 5 years older than the last time I went through this process and I haven't cared for my body very well in those 5 years. So this understanding of the strength given these missionaries and soldiers and prophets made me realize that I shouldn't doubt in the Lord's blessing. The Lord blessed me with a strong body and a strong willpower and strong genes to get me through those first two pregnancies, I didn't do it by myself nor am I better than anyone else because my body was blessed to handle those things well. If I am able to have another child, then I need to be faithful in and grateful to the Lord while being more mindful of how I care for this body I was given. I wish it were that easy to keep tragedy at bay, but it has at least eased my worry.
I was struck by another epiphany during church the last few weeks that kind of ties in here. Last week, the topic was the Holy Ghost. One sister shared a lesson from her father who had been excommunicated from the Church. She said he would often share with her that when he was excommunicated, the Holy Ghost left him and he became more fully aware of what he was missing. Without that influence on his spirit, he felt much less wise and he realized that the Holy Ghost had been blessing him with all these things that he'd been attributing to his own ability and knowledge.
The second one was just this last Sunday. The topic was finding peace and happiness. One comment shared was that these things can already be within you if you just ask Heavenly Father for them. It made me put all these thoughts together to realize how much of how identify myself is based on my experiences and my knowledge and how much has been given to me by Heavenly Father as I go through these experiences and gain this knowledge. It's something that I can't separate because if I took one away, then the other wouldn't feel right. I would feel incomplete. Yet another reason to be grateful for what I have been given. Everything.