Blah

Today, I am feeling rather blah. Therefore, I write. So that I can flush some of my thoughts out of my brain and because I always feel the need to put a positive spin on stuff.
I feel like I float through life each day and not really living with enough purpose to make each day meaningful.  Sure, I get up on time and get Evan to school. Meals are made. Children, self and husband are fed. I am still reading my scriptures daily and I've been going to play volleyball with some women from the stake every Tuesday and Thursday. But for some reason today it hits me that there is a lot I'm not doing well or that I don't try hard enough even though I know better. I don't have the excuse that Ryan gives for Evan, "He doesn't know better."
Many days I sit inside the house near the boys while I sit at the computer and they watch TV or the blessed days when Ryan plays and entertains Evan and I feel overwhelming gratitude for having such an amazing little boy who seems to thrive despite my lack of encouragement. And, yes, I happen to be sitting at the computer at the moment while Evan watches Lilo and Stitch, but I'm hoping that this will get my mind going and will help motivate me beyond my previous rut. I've been wanting chocolate and ice cream and all those sugary sweets, but I have told myself to stick with this healthy eating stuff where I only have such things once a week and I can't quite justify eating it in order to satisfy a craving.
Perhaps its the comparison I make that makes right now rough. Friday night we drove to Springville to visit with Oliver's mom, our sister-in-law Chelsea and her 3 adorable girls and Beth. Saturday morning, Beth and I went to catch some of the BYU Women's Rugby game and we were blessed to watch Keilani, Beth and Ollie's cousin, play. I also have a former RA on the team, Nalia, and I was surprised by another former RA, Melanie, who was there watching her sister. Small world. After that, we went back for some lunch and I was able to play outside with the boys and their cousins for a little while. Then I went back to Provo to meet with a beautiful friend, Becky, who had graciously invited me to watch "Les Miserables" with her and her husband. It was such a blessing to get a hug from her and then to sit through a beautiful movie with her. I'm so grateful for you, Becky. I wish I had had more time to just hang out with you guys and discuss the movie and life and all that jazz. Then an evening with the boys and Beth and Mom. A really fantastic day.
Perhaps I still haven't gotten over the fact that my sole responsibility now is to my family. Even though I had gone through many moments of not giving fully to my job and my family before, I wonder if I need to have something else to keep me motivated so that I don't just sit on my butt and let my sons do diddley squat all day long. My biggest problem is that I don't know what to do. And I need to get over the "I don't really want to pretend right now" thought process and just do it. Good motto. Good job, Nike. Just do it. Just get over yourself. Stop being stupid and feeling sorry for yourself.
Hmm...not such a positive spin is it? Well, I will definitely share how amazing Oliver is. He has compensated for my lacking so much that I can't tell him enough how much it means to me. The sun was shining this afternoon and we finally made an attempt to playing outside. Oliver is outside again with Ryan right now. Last night, he did the dishes and made an attempt at cleaning up a pile of disorganized papers in our bedroom. He is a wonder and I'm so blessed to have him at my side constantly lifting me up.
To end on a humorous note, here's a lovely photo from a few weeks ago.

Don't worry, that beard only stayed for a couple days. Shaved for the purposes of a "Duck Dynasty" themed day at school and then it stayed through the weekend as he was away at a band competition.